I’m trying to view Perimenopause as a Superpower. So it’s less about what I’m losing – like control of my pelvic floor, fertility, skin elasticity, and rational thought – but what I’m GAINING, and how I can use it to FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Here are 14 of my not-so-secret PM weapons:

1. Sweats/hot flushes

Yeah, just try it, Punk. Put your hands on me and you will BURN. Or slip off, like I’m a bar of boiling-hot soap.

Also I spend so much time fanning myself I’ve built up serious wax-on-wax-off karate moves.

2. Bloating

At the start of the day, my trousers fit fine. At a certain point in the afternoon, I can ping my top button off with the force of my belly bloat, and take out someone’s EYE. Even when they’re wearing a mask! Peeeow, peeeow.

3. Saggy boobs

Think Elastigirl, but in two very specific anatomical areas. I need someone to design me some sort of really cool leather bustier that flips down in a Janet Jackson-esq wardrobe malfunction.

Boobchucks. What a way to go.

4. Sore joints

I can tell you now which hip is going to need replacing in circa 20 years, because it’s killing me 80% of the time. Often the only relief I can find is to whip out a quick Downward Dog. The butt in the air thing might be more element of surprise than combat strike, unless combined with…

5. Wind

Personal chemical warfare! Some days I’m so trumpy I feel like I’ve probably created my own mini ozone hole that follows me round like the Pink Panther cloud.

6. Brain fog

Good luck trying to predict my next move, Super Villains, because I’ve just left my door keys in the goddam FREEZER, fed the cat the hamster food, worn odd shoes on the school run and basically have NO IDEA WHETHER I’M MOTHERFREEZING COMING OR GOING!

Oh, you think YOU’RE the disruptor? Lols! I AM chaos. Bring it on, beetches.

7. Floods

Face-off with Harley Quinn, in the style of Crocodile Dundee, only we’re armed with tampons.

“Oh, darling, that’s not a Period. THIS IS A PERIOD.”

**Unleashes the red flood gates of hell**

8. Low libido

Going to try to seduce me to the Dark Side? HA! Good luck with THAT strategy.

9. Mood swings

I’m basically, temperamentally speaking, the Incredible Hulk. You do not want to make me angry. You will have no idea what will trigger this.

Here’s the really powerful bit: NOR HAVE I.

Tick tick KA-FLOOFIN-BOOM.

10. Vaginal dryness/discharge

I can suck the moisture out of enemies at 50 paces with only my vagina AND/OR AT THE SAME PARADOXICAL TIME cast a discharge oil slick across roads so they crash their villain-mobiles.

You better hope and pray I don’t take off my enormous M&S granny knickers, Thanos.

11. Hair loss

The Joker will never be able to wash that make-up off for a full day of Evilling on the morrow, BECAUSE THE DRAIN IS PERPETUALLY CLOGGED.

That’ll wipe the smile off his face. Or not. (Depending on whether he has micellar water).

12. Insomnia

Trying to catch me unawares? Planning to launch a strike at the dead at night? I’M ALREADY AWAKE, Evil Masterminds! THERE IS NO ELEMENT OF SURPRISE, OR ANY POINT TO LIFE WHEN IT INSISTS ON EXISTING AT 3AM.

In fact, I’m so tired I WANT you to kill me.

13. Fatigue

Oh hey Lex Luthar. You’re not going to need that Kryptonite, sweetie. 2pm is now my own personal Kryptonite – when I’m literally at my most feeble crawling through the day on my knees. (Or too much red meat – when I’m doubled up in pain on the bathroom floor). AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I have to get up and fight through anyway BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER CHOICES AND NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO FETCH THE KIDS AND FEED THEM TEA AND PUT THE WASHING ON AND DO THE HOMEWORK AND LISTEN TO THEIR STORIES AND PUT THEM TO BED AND THEN GET UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN THE NEXT DAY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS.

I’m USED to carrying on through weakness, sickness, thick and thin.

14. Not caring

I’m still working on tapping into this new Perimenopause power, but it’s there, thrumming under the surface.

Increasingly, I don’t care what you think, anymore. I don’t care if you LIKE me. I don’t care if you’ve got a plausible back story to make your bad deeds understandable. Frankly, my dear, I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FORK.

I’m finally free.

JOIN ME.

(And pass to a PM hero you know).