It involves considerably less paper mache and craft supplies than you might think!

Grey Rock is a technique that people who have been in abusive relationships can use to deal with someone they still have to communicate with – for instance an ex they’re co-parenting with, or a close family member like a parent they’re trying to set boundaries with. It also works with difficult work colleagues.

It’s about being practical, boring, and unreactive – like a rock – so you stop feeding your abuser with emotion and reaction.

It is also very much easier said than done…

So here’s some top tips from women who visit this page, to help you put the Grey Rock theory into practice.

1. Write where possible

It’s much harder to consider and control your reactions and emotions face-to-face. If you are split up from an ex-partner for instance, or estranged from a parent, it’s highly likely you don’t communicate that well. It’s up to you to break the cycle and re-set your interactions, and the time and space written communication can give you to do so is key.

There is the added advantage, of course, that your interactions are recorded. This can stop an abuser from gaslighting you by making claims about what you said or didn’t say, agreed to or not.

It is also evidence, if you need it, for legal proceedings.

2. Think about the outcome you want

In every single interaction, it’s important to always have the end in mind. What is the outcome you want, and how can you best achieve it – or get as close to it as possible?

Don’t feel the need to rebut every point they make – it is a skill to mentally sift through the rubbish and find the nuggets you actually have to or want to respond to.

Take a step back, consider what you REALLY want to get out of every conversation.

3. Use single subject emails/texts

Don’t stuff an email or text with paragraphs and paragraphs of every little thing that needs to be decided. Pick one battle at a time. Keep it short.

4. Use short sentences

Imagine you’re talking to a stranger from space – or sending a telegram you pay for by word. You have to keep it really clear, really simple and break it down into easily understandable and actionable points. (Actual bullet points are probably going to annoy them, but THINK in bullet points).

If you go over 3 sentences, you’ve probably written too much.

5. Don’t rise to the bait

Don’t get bogged down, side-tracked, or distracted by other topics, accusations, grievances, or recriminations. Your abuser’s correspondence will inevitably be peppered with all of them.

I know you’re angry. I know you want to shout at them about how AWFUL they are, how that’s not what happened, how they’re wrong, how they can’t control you anymore – but you will only make things worse, mostly for yourself.

For so many people who have been abused, part of the problem is that you could never win the argument. You were always the one that was stupid, and over-emotional, and misunderstanding, and getting it wrong. Now you’re finally free some of you wants to fight back. I get it. But here’s the reality: YOU WON’T WIN. I’m so sorry. They’ve had more practice. They know your buttons. They ARE your trigger. And it is not going to get you the result you actually want…

The only way to proceed is to CHANGE the argument, by not attending it. Don’t rise to the bait.

The truth is this. When you rise up, when you show your strength, all they will want to do is push you down harder – back into your place. That’s not going to get you what you want or need from them.

6. Save your emotion for the right people

Obviously you have to vent. Because they are a WANKFOFFLENOODLE. But do it to your friends, not your abuser. Laugh at them together. Share the absurd responses. Cry and scream and shriek at how they still talk down to you. But only show your abuser the Grey Rock.

They don’t get your emotion anymore.

They are not worth the energy, or worthy of the honour.

7. Cut the chat, but be civil

With that in mind, forget everything you know about interacting with normal people.

Don’t ask how they are. Cut the preamble. You are not there to make friends all over again with this person. But neither are you there to make them more of an enemy… Be civil, but impersonal. Be clear about what you want/need. But do not wander into the thought process behind it, or how you feel about it, or why you think it’s a good idea.

Don’t let them IN. Channel Queen Lizzie – be aloof, unattainable; never complain; never explain.

8. Pacify, but don’t pander

It’s best to treat your abuser as a bomb that’s about to go off, or as an extremely extremely tired toddler, which we all know are much of a muchness. Don’t make any sudden moves that might startle them, or confront them too directly. Give options. Make it easy for them to ‘win’.

If you don’t, they will just come out swinging at you – and back you’ll go round the circle again.

That’s not to say you should roll over to their every demand. Those days are OVER, darling. You don’t have to go back there. But setting up the back of someone you are obliged to keep in your life is foolishness – and you are no longer anyone’s fool. Be reasonable. Be fair. Be gone.

9. Walk away

With that in mind, don’t continue a conversation that has become unfruitful. If you are going round in those never-ending circles, just step away. And don’t be tempted back into response once you’ve done so. Here’s some phrases to help:

I don’t think we’re getting anywhere, so let’s leave it for now.

I’m disappointed you feel that way.

I don’t agree. Let’s leave things as they are.

No.

10. Just say no

Oh, that’s the hardest one isn’t it? But you can just say no to your abuser, you know.

I know you’re used to making excuses, and trying to please them. I know at least 80% of you secretly still thinks they’re right and you’re wrong, because that’s how they’ve trained you. I know you’re afraid deep down. Even though there’s that rebellious bit that wants to fight now, you’re afraid of them. Even though they may never have laid a finger on you, you’re afraid of them.

But you can just say no. Honest. And it can be empowering:

No, that doesn’t work for me.

No, not this week.

No I can’t do that.

No, we’ll leave things as they are.

11. Don’t panic

It is in the abuser’s manual to make threats when they don’t get what they want – including the reaction they are used to from YOU.

When you say no, they will threaten you with court, with safeguarding concerns, with parental alienation accusations, with telling everyone what you’ve done and setting them against you, with phoning your workplace, etc etc.

Hell, they may even follow through.

Don’t panic. This is all quite standard.

Remember, just because they’ve said it, doesn’t make it happen, and doesn’t make it TRUE.

You don’t have to believe them, anymore. And other people won’t either. They can see through them from the outside far more quickly than you did, trapped on the inside.

12. Set correspondence boundaries

One of the best ways to Grey Rock is to stop being so responsive, literally.

They do not get to bully you by appearing constantly in your life – pinging in your pocket several times a day. Set rules. They are not allowed to contact you at a weekend unless it’s an emergency. They can only email on a certain address (set up a new one just for them), or call on a certain number (get a burner phone).

And then enforce the rules! Turn off the phone. Don’t look at the email address on your ‘rest’ days.

This will be hard. You are still in fight or flight and you want to know what they’re going to hit you with next – but stepping away is VITAL to help you re-charge the Grey Rock.

Be disciplined, with them but mostly with yourself.

13. Sleep on it

Except in the most simple of circumstances, never EVER respond to any correspondence with your abuser straight off the bat. This is for two key reasons. First, it trains them that you are no longer at their beck and call. Second, it gives you a chance to check your Grey Rock is grey enough and rocky enough.

It’s HARD to take emotion out of an emotional situation. Write your response, but then sleep on it. Read it again with fresh eyes before you send it.

I’ll bet money you change it for the better after a kip.

14. Find a Grey Rock buddy

Even better than sleeping on it is getting someone ELSE to read it before you send it!

You just can’t see clearly when you’re so embroiled in something. Find someone not directly involved who can check your message for clarity, reasonability, length and focus.

Tell them about Grey Rock.

In fact, tell everyone.

xxxx