God I hate January.

If you’re anything like me, you have probably eschewed – possibly publicly – the concept of any New Year’s Resolutions, on the grounds of decades of experience proving THEY NEVER WORK and are designed just to make you feel terrible about yourself and your ongoing propensity to failure.

And yet secretly, SECRETLY, I still thought (again) that maybe this year I would actually be a better person on the sly, tricking myself by not saying it out loud but miraculously changing bad habits anyway, eg. eating less, exercising more, becoming a centre of zen and productivity.

And already – already I have let myself down, inhaled half a box of crunchy nut and the last of the Xmas Celebrations, sat on my arse, yelled at the children and scrolled mindlessly through Facebook instead.

Already, I hate myself afresh for a another wonderful year!

Which is why I HATE January. Stupid month.

But seeing as the secret I’ve been ineffectively keeping from myself is already out, I might as well write down the resolutions I wasn’t making but was really, in case past me can re-trick future me into doing any better. (Present me will Lalalalala and pretend not to notice, as ever).

1. Try and encourage Past Mumonthenetehredge to be more considerate of Future Mumonthenetherege

I’ll be honest, Past Mumonthenetheredge is a bit of a dick. Like, shoving the hoover in the cupboard so it falls out on Future Mumonthenetherdge and hits her on the head, dickish, putting the mouldy veg back in the drawer because the bin is full – until it putrifies and needs mopping up with an entire kitchen roll and a gas mask, dickish, ‘forgetting’ to fill my time sheet in for a month so it all has to be done at once weeping and cursing, dickish, pretending the washing machine isn’t leaking until the floor starts rotting away, dickish, popping the tangled Xmas lights back in the box to be sorted out next year, dickish.

So my resolution is to try and be a bit kinder and more considerate to myself in the future. (After the decorations go back in the loft, clearly).

2. Be calm

Right, I am defo perimenopausal. But until I’m 45, get my stupid thyroid under control and finally get my probable long Covid diagnosis – they’re not going to do much about it. And then if they do there isn’t any drugs in stock anywhere anyway…

In the meantime I can FEEL my relationship with the Smalls deteriorate through lack of energy and lack of tolerance for their NEVER LISTENING OR BELIEVING A WORD I SAY OH MY GOD PARENTING WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.

I need to CHILL. Breathe. Count to ten. Remember everything I’m grateful for, and everything I’m trying to achieve, and the person I actually want to a) be b) model and c) present to the world.

3. Stop scrolling

Oh My God I’m so addicted to my phone right now. Like, I promise myself I won’t get on social media and then suddenly I’m on the loo and eye-deep in Mumsnet and I have no idea how I got there. I’m getting actual real-life social media blackouts. It MUST stop.

Soon ish.

Probably.

4. Start writing

One of my biggest peeves with myself is that I’m so afraid of failure I can often fail to even try. Which when not trying is also my biggest red flag/button/rag to a bull is… a messy tangle of life-traps. I am sadly very much all talk and no trousers, follow-through, or finish-off. This is probably why I’ve never amounted to anything – and why my novel has remained at a static 3 chapters for at least 6 months.

The only way to get myself out of this quagmire of my own making is a bit of discipline, and just sitting down and doing a bit every day – if only for half an hour. I KNOW this. Whether I can actually bring myself to DO it is of course a very different matter.

It probably also has something to do with cracking no 3…

5. Get healthier

I eat far too much sugar because I’m always knackered, I forget to drink all day, down pint of water at night and am up and down to the loo all night – and I simply don’t MOVE enough. Must try and sort this out.

I know this last one in particular because for some reason my Fitness App has suddenly turned on on my phone and is trolling me with disappointed or patronisingly enthusiastic updates on my Move Ring.

I DON’T CARRY YOU EVERYWHERE I GO, PHONE! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I MOVE! AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, ANYWAY.

Although clearly you can, because I’m going to try and do it to please you – WHY AM I LIKE THIS??????

6. Stop trying to please people or inanimate objects

LOLS! None of mes past present or future believe this one is going to happen.

7. Do things that make me uncomfortable

I don’t like coming out of my comfort zone. It’s comfy. Clues in the name. But then I don’t like to be trapped there either, because I am (clearly from this post) ENTIRELY RATIONAL.

The thing is I find it so easy to stop growing and stop thinking – sometimes for YEARS at a time. And it doesn’t make me happy. So in 2023 I need to start doing stuff that feels uncomfortable again.

One of the first things I’m doing is coming out, slightly, from behind the blog. I’m going to join a panel of much more brilliant and actually successful women at an event held by the amazing In Good Company – discussing what it’s like to be a woman in the modern world.

Obvs I’m going to have to figure out how to be a vaguely functioning HUMAN BEING first, but I’ve got like a whole month. WHAT COULD GO WRONG???

Seriously, these Sheffield events are about finding connection, support and innovation, and if you’re a local woman and have never been to one you should really add it your New Year’s Resolution list. They’re really good. Or at least they have been in the past…

Anyway, whatever your list – secret or otherwise – looks like, Happy New Year to you. Let us see what fresh hell awaits in 2023! Plagues of Spiders! Murder Sloths! Public flogging of poor people! Amazon Ambulances! Dust storms! Apocalypse power cuts! The rise of the Crows! Dwayne Johnson for President!

Given the last few years, anything is possible, and you probably couldn’t actually make half of it up if you tried. Which leads me to…

8. Roll with the punches

I’m not great at embracing change. Maybe 2023 will be the year for that too. And as ever I will continue to very much appreciate your advice, perspective and solidarity as I attempt to do so.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being out there in the void making it feel a bit less empty.

xxx