Side-kick Extraordinaire.

Back-up Babe.

These are the things that should really be on my CV, forget the official job titles and all of this I LEAD X, MANAGED Y, GENERATED Z BILLION POUNDS stuff.

I didn’t. But I helped other people do so, because THAT’S actually what I do best.

The fact is that I don’t have the personality, mental health, energy, logic, planning skills or capacity to deal with difficult problems/people that it takes to be a Head Of or Director (in my case of Communications).

I can be easily distracted from any goal by my pathological need to be liked, keep the peace and make everyone feel comfortable. I baulk at even slightly difficult conversations; become instantly overwhelmed by big pictures and even moderate responsibilities – and crumble under any sort of pressure or negativity.

But if you need someone to rely on, champion, support, commit, brainstorm creative ideas with and go above and beyond to deliver them with aplomb, mild irreverence and a bit of a twinkle – I’M YOUR WOMAN.

And it’s taken me a really, really long time to come to terms with that.

I have spent a long time berating myself – and being berated – for my lack of ambition.

Like so many women of my generation I was convinced I needed to earn my age, move up the ladder, manage bigger and bigger teams, develop my leadership skills, aim for the c-suite – SMASH THE GLASS CEILINGS.

(Whilst at the same time – obviously – still keeping on top of the washing, the cleaning, the gardening, the school admin, being an engaged and present parent, arranging the playdates/clubs/parties/doctorsandvetsappointments, keeping up successful friendships, maintaining grooming standards and shagging my partner like a porn star).

I know we THINK we’ve busted the ‘women can have it all’ myth already – but the thing is, we’ve really only just acknowledged it as an impossibility. We haven’t actually DEALT with it in any meaningful, relieving, way.

And I for one have still been internalising it. Maybe you have, too.

1980s/1990s feminism told me I should want The Career. It told me I should want to be Day to Night Business Barbie (the pink one pictured here who’s reversible skirt flips round to reveal a tutu overskirt and who had a spangly boob tube under her suit jacket).

I believed it.

And I believed the workplaces that wanted me to keep giving me promotions out of my comfort zone and do management courses and set professional goals and have a five year plan for advancement/world domination.

And I somehow didn’t process the memo/fax that 21st Century feminism evolved – and empowered me to be whatever damn kind of Barbie I wanted, on any given day, depending on my mood, and very much NOT depending on what other people expected of me. (Including slob-about-in-black-leggings-feeling-guilty-about-not-having-changed-the-beds-for-six-weeks-Barbie).

I have always been so proud of the women I’ve known moving up around me – but at the same time I have been angry with myself that I wasn’t doing the same – that I didn’t seem to have what it takes to go the route I thought I was supposed to WANT to go – even though I secretly knew – deep down – I didn’t.

But I think I’ve finally let that go.

It took a while. But now I’m here:

I like my job. I’m even good at it (some days).

I like doing the coalface work – doing the actual DOING. I don’t want to manage other people to do it in my stead.

I like the fact that if I do something wrong the buck ultimately stops with somebody else.

I like the fact that the very worst that can happen is that an article is a bit late or a press release doesn’t go out. No one dies! (That might actually be my favourite bit).

I like the fact I can put my work down and forget about it.

I like the fact I can take a lunch break, listen to the birds, do the school run, manage my household, read my book, write for myself.

I like the fact I have been the quiet supportive force behind some truly amazing women, delivering some very cool projects, on their way to some truly amazing places.

I like the fact my worth is no longer tied to my productivity.

I like the fact that I measure my success against my own happiness and not other people. (Or at least I try to).

I like the fact that I don’t feel like a failure anymore – like I’ve not achieved my potential. My potential was NEVER about being in a Boardroom, or running any sort of show. And that’s really, really, really okay.

Perhaps most of all, though, I like the fact I don’t have to wear a pink power suit and high heels and turn them round after work to do – shudder – NETWORKING.

A few weeks ago I wrote that I officially set us all free from having to achieve anything with our creativity. Well now I set us free from having to achieve Business Barbie-shaped success at work, too.

It’s bollocks.

You are enough.

You’re doing enough.

In fact, you’re doing GREAT.

xxxx