The government may have for all intents and purposes declared the pandemic over, but the anxiety it’s left behind is still very high, at least for me.
I feel like I have been scared, and fighting fires inside and out for a really, really long time now. And it’s not just about Covid-19 – it’s about the world, and the day-to-day, and everything in between. It’s all still rolling along and the big fears and the little fears are getting all mixed up and pounding round and round on a loop.
They remind me of a train – the rhythm my anxiety finds for itself.
I know very well that I am prone to catastrophising. But stopping the thoughts when they start is so much harder than it looks… One thing that helps me when I’m like this are the very wise words of a very wise woman, that have now become this poem.
If this is you, I hope you can get off at the next stop, too.
WHAT IF EVERYTHING’S FINE What if I’m dying? What if they are? What if I left the front door ajar? What if I’m trying - but continue to fail? What if I never can open that mail? What if the planet withers away? What if that wasn’t the right thing to say? What if it’s taken? What if I lose? What if it’s my fault because I chose to choose? What if it’s true? What if it’s false? What if I go in and find there’s no pulse? What if it’s bad? What if there’s danger? At the hands of a friend, or foe or a stranger? What if it floods? What if it burns? What if it’s random and falls on my turn? What if I’m useless? What if someone finds out? What if there’s conflict and somebody shouts - What if they don’t believe what I say? What if my truth unravels and frays? What if I’m wrong? What if I’m right? What if I can’t run, or put up a fight? What if what’s new isn’t what’s safe - What if I can’t keep things in their place? What if the worst happens today? What if I’m not there to stand in its way? What if I’m cursed to watch the disaster? What if there IS no joy ever after? What if I crumble - if I’m not enough? What if I can’t do the going gets tough? What if I tumble over my edge? What if I’m stuck there, never to fledge - what if I never learn how to fly? What if I can’t see any blue in the sky? What if it’s real - what if it’s not? What if ‘What if’ is all that I’ve got? What if I let, the anxiety slip? Will the world catch me up and cause me to trip? What if I’m too scared not to bargain with fate, so that if I wind tight the awful will wait? What if I dare to think it’s okay? And that triggers the dark to take more away? What if I hit? What if I miss? What if that last kiss was THE last kiss? What if there’s pain and I’m not there with them - what if they go and their void is my prison? What if - What if - What if. But what if ‘What if’ is turned on its head? More a beacon of hope than an omen of dread? What if… possibility is gently unfurled? What if there’s beauty to be sought in the world? What if the universe doesn't come to an end? What if I don’t break, what if I bend? What if there isn’t a deal to strike? What if that isn’t the way I live life? What if I let go - and stop holding so tight? What if control DOESN’T make things alright? What if life smiles? What if I win? What if there isn’t blame to be pinned? What if they’re okay - what if they thrive? What if they grow to live good happy lives? What if it’s mild? Or even benign? What if the worst doesn’t happen this time? What if there’s success? What if there’s kind? What if there isn’t a trap I must mind? What if I’m blessed? What if there’s peace? What if I’m not going to fall to my knees? What if I skirt the black cloud of doom - what will I find if I just make the room? What if I cross the other side of this line - what if ‘What if’ is ‘What if everything’s fine’? What if that’s what I learn to pass on, And that’s the ‘What if’ that becomes my heart song? What if it’s painless? What if it’s fun? What if the rolling ‘what ifs’ are… just done? What if this train slows down on the tracks? What if I learn to sit back and relax? What if ‘What if’ comes to a stop? What if I take this chance to get off - this time - What. If. Everything’s - Fine.
Mumonthenetheredge 