I’m not particularly interested in Kim Kardashian. But I am interested in post separation abuse.

Post separation abuse is coercive control or emotional abuse that continues after a break-up. And that’s what’s happening in a very public way to Kim.

It will be familiar to a lot of people who’ve been through it, because it is depressingly common.

One of the many complex answers to the facile question ‘Why didn’t they just leave?’ is post separation abuse.

Because far from getting away from the abusive situation, leaving actually puts you at more risk of abuse.

In the worst cases we all read about, post separation abuse kills women. Sometimes it kills children, too.

In less dramatic, or at least less fatal, cases, post separation abuse still causes immeasurable harm.

[I am going to put the usual caveat in here that it has been statistically proven many times over that women are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse, coercive control, and post separation abuse than men. This is not to say men cannot be victims, and women cannot be perpetrators. They absolutely can].

WHAT DOES POST SEPARATION ABUSE LOOK LIKE?

Post separation abuse takes many forms, but there are consistent and recognisable patterns of behavior.

It can be financial. That can mean cutting off access to money, evading child support, closing credit cards or accounts, moving funds, not passing on bills or important financial correspondence/information, or running up debt in your name.

It can be legal – a constant barrage of frightening solicitors letters, dragging you through the court system arguing over every point (especially if you are experiencing financial hardship and can’t afford a solicitor). It is common for perpetrators to claim safe-guarding issues or parental alienation – and to use mediation to intimidate you under the cloak of reasonability.

It can take the form of harassment. That might look like ‘love-boming’, extravagant gestures and gifts, often in public, turning up randomly at your home or work, refusing to give up house keys, letting themselves in, constant direct messages, social media bombardment, or enlisting messengers to get to you. That is often alternated with criticism, online tirades (either angry or sympathy-seeking), and attempts to isolate you, discrediting your reputation, your sanity or your parenting – again often publicly or even directly to the authorities.

It can be intimidation – direct threats, stalking, making sure you know you are watched, that you are monitored, that you will be punished. It could be damaging property, or threatening your children if you don’t do what they want.

It can be through co-parenting – or ‘counter-parenting’ – undermining you and your ability to parent, arguing over every little parenting point – often through the courts. It could be refusing to honour bedtimes, feeding schedules, school hours, clubs or commitments. It could be not giving children back at agreed times, constantly changing or pushing for extra contact time. It could also be taking them to inappropriate places or to see inappropriate people.

It can be directly through children – getting them onside with extravagant gifts or treats, telling them you’re to blame, asking them to report on your movements. It could look like emotionally abusing them, or coercing them. It could also look like physical abuse.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH POST SEPARATION ABUSE?

If you think you could be physical danger, or think your children are in danger, or if you think someone you KNOW is in danger, it is imperative to call the police and report it. Every time something happens. Awareness of coercive control is improving, and they CAN do things to help.

It’s really important to get a solicitor on board to help fight your corner, particularly in cases of legal abuse. If you can’t afford it, you might be eligible for legal aid, and it’s time to turn to places like Refuge, Women’s Aid, and other agencies who can offer you specialist advice and support.

In the meantime, here are 6 things you can do TODAY that might also help.

1. Keep a record

Start a diary of every interaction. I know you’re tired. I know it’s the last thing you want to do. But record it. Dates, times, incidences. Take pictures of abusive messages and save them. Record your conversations. Document, document, document.

Not least because once you see it all together, maybe you’ll finally believe yourself that it’s true, and happening, and you’re not actually mad or misinterpreting it.

2. Talk to authorities

It might not be time to call in the police, but it IS definitely time to talk this through with your GP, and with your kids’ school.

It’s part of keeping an official record of what’s going on, and it’s part of how you can get access to expert support and extra resources.

3. Ditch social media

Social media is a great way to torture you, if only with pictures of how great their life is without you. More ominously, it’s a great way to keep a track of you.

Even if you think you’ve culled every one of the people ‘not on your side’, I promise you some sucker who belives your abuser’s propaganda is still lurking – and has possibly been persuaded to report back on you.

Start over. Go anonymous. Keep your contact lists very, very small. Never post pictures or personal information, especially about your whereabouts. Tell your friends not to tag you.

Consider just using social media apps as a news feed – or to follow your favorite pages or influencers.

4. Get a burner phone and email account

It can be really traumatic to see the name of your abuser constantly popping up on your phone and email – places you can’t escape from. Get a cheap burner phone, and get a new email account that is just for them. Set very clear boundaries about when they can contact you, and ONLY check for messages a couple of times a week.

This will take discipline. You’re going to have to put it on silent and make yourself not look. If they continue to use your other, banned, channels, you may need to get solicitors involved – or the police.

5. Go ‘Grey Rock’

Grey Rock is a method you can use to make yourself a less attractive victim. It means being factual and functional and taking out all emotion and expression from every single interaction you have. Make it so boring to talk to you and so impossible to get a rise out of you that they don’t have ANY of your energy to feed off.

They don’t deserve it.

It’s important to understand that Grey Rock is not about being rude, or curt – it’s about being dull, and pragmatic, and not wasting your words.

6. Cut out the flying monkeys

Flying monkey is the term given to the enablers and entourage of abusers.

Some of them are the people telling (Kan)Ye they’ll ‘get’ Kim’s new boyfriend if he says the word.

Some of them are the people saying, Ahhh, he’s just fighting for his family, look how much he still loves her.

Some of them are the people that think the love-bombing actually has something to DO with love.

Some of them are the people that don’t believe it, or minimise the experience, or believe the lies being told about the victim.

Some of them will be saying, look, it didn’t look that bad to me – they’ve never treated me that way, so it can’t be true.

Some of them are the mutual friends and family who turn a blind eye, justify the behaviour, or justify their own inaction by ‘staying neutral’.

If you have children, you are obliged to have what can hopefully become a working relationship with their other parent.

You are NOT obliged to have a relationship with the people who knew about how they treated you, but didn’t care enough to help you – or the people who were more ready to believe you were a ‘psycho’ than that they were an abuser.

Women in particular place a lot of value on social relationships, and peace-keeping. Setting new boundaries can be very, very hard. Cutting people off may feel dramatic – it even may feel like you’re giving the flying monkeys more ‘evidence’ that you were the unreasonable one in the first place. But who really cares? This is not your circus, and these are very definitely not your monkeys – or your friends.

They do not get to be part of your new life.

HOW DO I HELP SOMEONE GOING THROUGH POST SEPARATION ABUSE?

You can listen, and you can signpost, but one of the most important things to remember if you know someone this is happening to, is that THEY might not know it’s happening to them.

Because before the question ‘Why didn’t they leave?’ comes the far starker question ‘How didn’t they know?’

And the answer is because they’ve been trained not to see it, and not to believe themselves.

One of the best things you can do in this situation is to keep that person’s incident diary on their behalf. Write down everything they tell you, everything you witness.

And maybe, when they’re ready to see it – before or after separation – it will help them believe it, and ultimately deal with it.