What I really like about Pandemic Mark XXVI, or whatever we’re on now, is constantly discovering its new and debilitating side effects. And I’m not talking about losing your sense of smell and taste.

I’m talking about losing all the other stuff along the way… And finding that as you shed each piece what’s left of yourself underneath is uglier than you knew, or ever wanted to know. Which just adds to the super-duper fun of it all!

Here are some of the things I’ve lost this time around:

1. Patience

I used to be patient. Well, patientER.Now I am driven COMPLETELY WILD by the use of random capital letters mid word/sentence, and particularly by an inability to count things from one pile to another in a neat and organised way that actually leads to getting THE RIGHT FREAKING ANSWER. Homeschool rage is a thing. And I’ve discovered my true Kryptonite is not TRYING. I don’t care if it’s wrong, I do, apparently, care very much if it’s because you did a slap-dash half-arsed job of it.

2. Perspective

This week I cried about technology not working at least 56 times. (Actually an improvement on last week).

3. Control of my weight

My homeschool rage has gone straight to my hips.

4. Social skills

The thing with every day being the same AND not seeing anyone is that a) you have nothing to say and b) you forget how to say it when you DO see people. I have most definitely lost the fine art of regular human interaction, which to be fair was never what you’d call a CORE strength. I already struggled with filters: now I will overshare with and make inappropriate remarks to the Amazon delivery guy.

The other day I did speak to a friend, and within two minutes had poo poooed her well thought out baby names. (To be fair they were guinea pig babies, and I pointed out that if she called them Liquorice and Butterscotch they’d be Lick and Butt for short).

Still. A year ago I probably wouldn’t have been so damned rude. Outside my head. Probably.

5. Friends

The lick-butt friend is still my friend, I think, but I feel like I have lost others. I am spread so thin I don’t have the mental energy for correspondence, and I am so near the end of my own rope, I cannot help anyone else hang on to theirs. I am lonely, and I do not have the energy to reach out for support. And neither does anyone else.

6. My temper

I am angry. And not just about home schooling. About everything. Every minor inconvenience and major political idiocy are all the last straw and it is boiling in my stomach, and pricking behind my eyes and curling in my fists ALL THE TIME.

I am SO ANGRY with the people (especially the non front line ones) whose children are still living relatively normal lives in school while I watch my kids struggle with work and friendships, and hear them tell me they feel useless, and know that I am not doing a good enough job of keeping up their spirits or their confidence. And I know that’s not fair. I know it’s not reasonable. I know it’s not anyone’s fault. I know I’d send mine in a heartbeat if I could… But it is there, and the jealousy is barely under control.

I am SO ANGRY at the government for where we are, for staggering mis-management and incompetence, and most of all for pretending that none of that’s actually happened, or that in fact they’re doing a jolly good job. And then I am angry with people for believing them.

I am SO ANGRY with non-maskers and the rule-breakers and the anti-vaxers, and social media evangelists, and trolls, and warriors. And I know I should stop looking and mind my own business, but it’s hard.

I am SO ANGRY with my ex, all over again, when I thought I was (mostly) over it all, because he has someone to help him, because he’s not doing this on his own, because the life I was only just starting to rebuild after him has ground to a halt, because all my support and recovery avenues have been Covid cut off, because he gets the nicer less acty-out kids at his end who aren’t shouting and screaming at him (as much), and because I’m stuck in HIS city with no family help, no friendship or school gate back-up – and all I really want is my mum, and she’s too far away and too vulnerable and I haven’t seen her in a year now.

I am SO ANGRY with me for not being able to shake this off, this anger, and control it, and do better, and be better than I am.

7. The ability not to cry at adverts/news/videos

Oh, the other side of the anger. When it wanes, and it ebbs and flows constantly, all that is left on the other side is sad.

It is sadness under pressure – like a cartoon leaky pipe where the water always finds new holes and gaps to spray forth from – usually Youtube pet rescue footage, Captain Tom, videos of babies getting hearing aids for the first time, or anything remotely heart squeezing, however contrived or stupid. (I should probably stay away from Long Lost Family).

8. The plot/My mind

My focus, my concentration and my memory are all shot. I can find myself stood in front of the cooker trying to remember what steps I need to take to make sausages and mash, and being completely overwhelmed at having to do everything at once and make it all come together.

And I am supposed to be being an effective employee, teacher, mother and housekeeper at the same time, and I can’t even remember to put the frozen peas on to boil.

9. My sense of self

I can’t remember who I was when I wasn’t stressed, overwhelmed and lonely. Because I’m not fun. I’m not energetic, I’m not creative, I’m not optimistic – and I’m not particularly kind. All of the things I liked about myself have started coming off in the pandemic wash. And I know I am not the only one.

10. My phone

Apparently I cannot keep track of everything in my life that there currently is to keep track of, AND my phone, all at the same time. Fortunately, Boynotenoughonthenetheredge enabled my Alexa to ‘Find my phone’. One day last week my home screen showed me I’d used this service 21 times. A personal best. So I am winning at something…

11. A hamster

Okay well I haven’t LOST a hamster. (Yet). I’ve gained one.

Meet Mr. Tulip.

Because sometimes when everything is falling to pieces both around you and within you, what you really need is something cute and fluffy to take care of and to take all your minds off it. And some cardboard and hot glue…The one thing my kids are actually really enjoying at the moment, and I’m actually enjoying with them, is craft. So we are going to spend our lockdown time making this little fluffball Hamster Mazes. (Look this up on Youtube. You won’t regret it).

Because, surprisingly, one thing I am refusing to lose to knob-wombling Covid is my own ability to TRY. So I am still TRYING to make the most of this time, to do my best, to wring out some joy, to remember to be grateful, to find perspective, to breathe through the angry and the sad and stand back up and keep on going and set an example of resilience even when I don’t feel resilient at all.

Try or cry. Or sometimes both at once.

xxx