Love Island News! 

Producers have decided to replace all the girls on the show with women over 40 looking for love. 

Here’s the new cast: 

Name: Jen
Age: 46
Occupation: Retail assistant 
From: Birmingham
Overview/Personality: Expert at wrangling kids and the Great British Shopper. Doesn’t take any crap. Tells anyone who will listen how great oestrogen gel is. Swears like a sailor.
Looks/Vital statistics: Pear and proud.
Outfits: Tummy control one piece in black, empire-line floral maxi-dresses or kaftan/housecoats. Always wears a hat and factor 50 in the shade.
Reason for being on the show: Taking a break from the kids.
Best feature: Dirty laugh. Beautiful handwriting. 
Ideal man: Beer belly and belly laughs. 
Best sex tip [Respondent free text]: No one actually wants a Sting-a-thon. Get on with it so we can have a quick wash and proper kip. A cup of tea wouldn’t go amiss, either. 
Most likely to: Smuggle in Nutella, re-enact key scenes from Dirty Dancing with Aaron, teach the girls how to do a smoky eye in 30 seconds using a Number 7 palette from 2003. 
Best quote so far: “Mate, I think she understood you perfectly. So do I. Do one.”

Name: Mae
Age 47: 
Occupation: ex-Social worker turned writer
From: South London
Overview/Personality: Capable. Has seen everything. EVERYTHING. Loves life anyway. 3 ex-husband, still friends will all of them.
Looks/Vital statistics: 38HH. (Yes there is that much alphabet in bras). 
Outfits: String bikini with everything hanging out, WORKING IT LIKE A GODDESS. 300 matching head scarfs and sarongs. Yellow toe nail polish and sunglasses like dinner plates. 
Reason for being on the show: Why not? 
Best feature: Could bum for Great Britain in the Olympics. 
Ideal man: Tom Selleck. 
Best sex tip [Respendent free text]: God gave you a tongue. Use it.
Most likely to: Perform a can-can and fall into the pool, demand popcorn to watch the boys workout.
Best quote so far: “The drinks are free, and so am I!” *shimmies* *knocks out Brad with a flying boob* 

Name: Sarah
Age: 40
Occupation: Stay at home Mum/part time accountant
From: Swansea
Overview/Personality: Extrovert/Introvert hybrid. Avoids conflict AT ALL COSTS right up until she FLIPS THE FLIP OUT. 
Looks/Vital statistics: Tall and used to hate it. More tattoos than you’d think.
Outfits: Old maternity swimsuit slightly baggy in the belly. Floaty skirts and flipflops. Knitwear even though it’s 32 degrees. Messy bun.
Reason for being on the show: Actually I’m married, but I needed some me-time and my sister in law knows one of the camera people, so… 
Best feature: Matching cheek and thigh dimples. 
Ideal man: Someone that can change nappies, run the house for a week without me, AND DON’T CALL ME AGAIN, BRIAN, I LEFT YOU A LIST OF NOTES. Or Bandit from Bluey.
Best sex tip [Respondent free text]: Contraception. 
Most likely to: Nap, comfort bruised egos, show everyone pictures of her kids, and ROCK OUT. 
Best quote so far: “Put it away, love, will you? I haven’t had my breakfast yet.”

Name: Anita
Age: 42
Occupation: Consultant surgeon
From: Durham
Overview/Personality: Confident. Slightly harried. Startlingly direct. 
Looks/Vital statistics: Really? We’re still doing this? It’s 2021. Come on people. 
Outfits: Tankinis in graphic prints, wrap dresses and wedges.
Reason for being on the show: Burnout. 
Best feature: Startling directness (see burnout). 
Ideal man: Idris Elba but really really in touch with his femine side.
Best sex tip [Respondent free text]: For the men, I second Mae, but think lapping cat and not washing machine, Mmm? Gently pull back the labia and lift the hood so you see what you’re doing, and listen to your partner. For the women, it’s all lubrication, undulation and pelvic floor kisses. 
Most likely to: Organise everyone, cook amazing meals, insist on her own bed afterwards.
Best quote so far: “What is making you so sad you have to lift weights all day to like yourself?” 

Name: Gail
Age: 45
Occupation: Marketing Manager
From: Manchester
Overview/Personality: Can’t remember any more. Recently divorced. Doing a lot of self-reflection and re-building. Mascara is life. 
Looks/Vital statistics: Choppy bob. Slightly loose skin after 3 stone trauma weight loss. 
Outfits: New 1950s style high-rise bikini and mens shirts as cover-ups. One nice Reiss dress and the rest from F&F. 
Reason for being on the show: Emotional recovery.
Best feature: Killer smile. Can still do the splits.
Ideal man: Just looking for a bit of fun, and to remember what that actually is. So basically anyone that’s not her ex and who shows a bit of trouser interest. 
Best sex tip [Respondent free text]: Suction vibrator. Seriously. It’ll change your life. Oh, and always go for a wee after penetrative sex. I used to have constant thrush and water infections until I did this. That’ll change your life, too. 
Most likely to: Laugh uproariously and ugly-cry noisily within the same 60 seconds, drunkenly sing Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill with Jen.
Best quote so far: “Men are all gits. If only they didn’t have the penises!”

Producers note: 

Most of the content is so filthy we can’t air anything. It’s been 48 hours, we’re out of gin, and they’re already bezzie mates and planning a holiday to Ibiza next year. They may have solved world hunger, but we’re spending a fortune on emotional support for the traumatised lads after a single game of Never Have I Ever. Send help. Jen, no, I’m not one of the contestants….. You can’t… no…… I can’t……………..-----------------------------------------------------------------------

*Transmission ends*