Five hard things about the easing of lockdown:

1. Remembering social skills

Gosh it’s been a long time since I socialised. And if my performance on the school run is anything to go by, I’m really, really rusty. 

When I have seen friends I’ve been walking two meters parallel with them, and I’ve lost the fine art of eye contact. Plus I have nothing to say as I’ve done nothing of note for 12 months, other than worry a lot and fail at homeschooling. 

2. Finding a loo

It’s all very well meeting in people’s gardens for cups of tea or something stronger - or a bit of a picnic in the park while it’s mild - but my pelvic floor was already completely forked after the children, and now my bladder has gotten very comfortable never being more than 30 seconds away from its own dear loo, thank you very much. 

Where exactly are you supposed to go? Or take small equally bladder-challenged small people? And don’t tell me a wild wee because I don’t get my butt out in public spaces (often), I can’t pee straight anyway, and quite frankly picnicing in urine soaked trainers puts me right off my sandwiches. 

Plus most of my friends don’t want human wee on their flower beds. Weirdos. 

3. Figuring out the rules

As a communications professional (lols) I can tell you officially that it’s NOT just you, and the communication of what the F the rules actually are IS shockingly bloody awful. Which is why most people are making them up for themselves, which means you have to figure out what everyone’s personal rules and comfort zones look like - in particular if they’re going to let you upstairs with a mask to use their toilet. 

4. Finding somewhere for the worry to go 

I know there’s lots of happy party people out there celebrating in the sun but it’s just not where I’m at. I’ve been in firefight mode so long that having nothing to fight, no crisis to respond to, has left an awful lot of un-tethered worry flying free and latching on to anything and everything. 

Currently brain blood clots, dying of ovarian cancer, and WHERE THE HELL I’M SUPPOSED TO WEE.

5. Not being able to hug a friend when they’re crying

While not much has happened in some ways, so much has happened in others, and a great deal of it has been really bloody awful. Seeing people is great, but those wells of grief and worry and trauma brim over in person more than on zoom. 

And not being able to hug someone you love and be there when they need you is one of the hardest of the all the hard things in this very, very hard year.

xxx