There are certain Signs I can look out for that tell me that I am Not Okay. 

One of them is hypochondria. 

So far this week I’ve had a suspected DVT (my leg hurt a bit), a brain tumour (headache) and that thing where you can’t ever go to sleep and your body shuts down entirely through exhaustion and madness and you eventually die horribly, that I once saw on an episode of Poirot, (although it may have been worrying about this possibility that was stopping me from sleeping in the first place).

Clearly, the only person suspecting these things is me. And I do KNOW it’s one of my Signs… 

But. 

It still feels real late at night, when my Anxiety is most active. 

Another of my Signs is Appliance Paranoia. 

This is when I decide various household objects – mostly electrical – are trying to kill me. 

So here’s a list of some of them and how my Anxiety currently rates them on a random Scale of Danger I don’t pretend to understand.

  1. Phone charger by my bed

ANXIETY VERDIT: Completely harmless. 

It stays plugged in 24/7, often ends up covered in pyjamas and old bed socks, and is in use nightly less than a foot away from my head while I’m comatose.

  1. Every other phone charger in the house

ANXIETY VERDICT: Deadly.

They must be physically unplugged and isolated on a hard surface 2 feet away from all flammable materials or they will MURDER EVERYONE. 

  1. Laptop charger

ANXIETY VERDICT: Okay in the day, and whenever I leave the house. Highly dangerous after 10pm. 

Although this one can just be turned off on the wall without being unplugged…

  1. Monitor

ANXIETY VERDICT: Completely benign. No action needed. 

  1. Toaster

ANXIETY VERDICT: HOMICIDAL.

Must be unplugged after use because of EXTREMELY HIGH RISK OF SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. 

(Although to be fair to me, this one is based in some amount of reality as the heating element is gone, and you can’t put in a second round of toast immediately after the first without it smoking and setting the fire alarm off. 

I should probably buy a new one, but strangely I would rather just worry about this one, because…. Okay I don’t know why).  

  1. Dishwasher

ANXIETY VERDICT: Untrustworthy.

Must never be left on overnight. You have to wait up for it to finish and cool down, or not put it on until morning. 

Although apparently it’s fine to put it on and leave the house to burn down without you there to do anything about it…

Look, I don’t make the rules. I just have to follow them. 

  1. Fridge/Freezer

ANXIETY VERDICT: Benign.

Apart from the fact there’s an intermittent sour milk smell that I keep trying to clean away but keeps coming back and I should really get to the bottom of, but I’m choosing to ignore by dint of not breathing when I open the door. 

(This is exactly the sort of escalating situation Future Me is going to want to kick Past Me’s ass over, but as Present Me adjudicator I’m going with a LaLaLaLa can’t hear [or smell] approach).

  1. Oven

ANXIETY VERDICT: Shady as F. Needs supervision.

Must be checked carefully at night time to make sure it’s off. 

But you didn’t check properly, so get up again after you’ve finally got into bed and tried to sleep for at least ten minutes, and then go back downstairs to check it. 

Repeat as required. 

  1. Induction Hob 

ANXIETY VERDICT: Friendly but stupid.

Randomly beeps a warning and stops working whenever it feels it’s been misused, eg by having the temerity to clean it, adding or removing a pan, or getting the slightest moisture on it. Can therefore probably can be relied upon to short out before attempting to kill anyone. 50 bonus points/smiley face.

Although, come to think of it, you might as well check it when you check on the oven… 

  1. Toothbrush charger

ANXIETY VERDICT: No.

Makes a very loud buzzing noise when it’s on which is clearly a sign of IMMINENT AND HORRIBLE DEATH. 

Can be used, but only during the day and must be unplugged if you leave the house.

  1. Fire alarm

ANXIETY VERDICT: THESE ARE TRICKING YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

They therefore need checking, preferably late at night when you’re very tired and everyone else is asleep, because YOU NEVER KNOW. 

  1. Boiler

ANXIETY VERDICT: Evil, but too mysterious to interfere with. Requires Ongoing Worry. 

All boilers are inherently malevolent and have nefarious intentions: FACT. You must therefore vacillate between completely forgetting you have one and being mortally afraid it will slowly poison you all in your beds. 

(I learned boilers were evil at a young age from the boiler that used to [intermittently] head my childhood home. I don’t know what was wrong with it, but it involved by parents spending a lot of time ‘relighting the pilot’ and shouting at each other). 

I’m told (by my Anxiety) that the best way to keep fears of carbon monoxide fresh is to read internet horror stories about them obsessively. (I also like to do this in the summer, when boiler use recedes, with Secondary Drowning. [Fun Project! Look this up to add to your own list of Anxieties!]) 

You must also regularly grow to mistrust the alarms you buy to monitor CO, buy more, randomly insist on ventilation at inconvenient times, and lose all documentation about when your boiler is due a service – and then worry about that as well. 

  1. Christmas lights

ANXIETY VERDICT: Festive vipers. Extreme caution required.

We decorated for Christmas last weekend, because a bit of sparkle and twinkle is frankly what we ALL need right now. (Even if Past Me left the lights in a MAHOOSIVE knot. B Hitch). 

(I also find Christmas lights are another good indicator of how Okay I am. If it gets to the point where you can’t be arsed to put on the Christmas lights you know you are dead to joy and require an intervention. Seek help immediately.)

 However, my Anxiety says they also want to kill me. Even the LED ones… 

Must be switched off at the wall if not under direct observation. Also check to see if they’re getting hot every couple of hours. 

  1. Lamps

ANXIETY VERDICT: Mixed risk.

I don’t like my overhead lights, but instead of replacing the lightbulbs for something yellow and cosy I’ve chosen to invest in a series of lamps to create ‘mood lighting’ instead. It now takes me a good 2-4 minutes to actually illuminate my living room which is super-duper convenient, obvs. 

Most of these lamps are apparently fine, but my Anxiety has taken against one, which must be switched off and unplugged at the wall, involving yoga-esq bending over and grappling behind furniture, usually accidentally switching the wifi off as it’s where the router is plugged in, too. 

  1. Router/TV boxes/phone/Smart speaker/DVD player/Ancient Wii

ANXIETY VERDICT: Chill out dude, it’s all fine. 

Despite the fact these are all plugged in via a complex system of extension leads with curtains on top of them. 

I will repeat: I DON’T MAKE THE RULES HERE. 

  1. Washing machine/kettle/other

ANXIETY VERDICT: Don’t care. 

Please let me know if any household objects are out to get you, too. 

And if you’ve got your Christmas lights up. 

AND, more importantly, if you are otherwise #Okay or #NotOkay right now…

Please also share this, because it’s very lonely coping with shady ovens and nefarious boilers all by yourself, and if this gets to someone else with Appliance Paranoia or a similar condition, it may just help them. 

And maybe by laughing at it during the day we can rob it of some of its power at night time. 

Lots of love. 

XXXXXxxxxx