There are some days when I feel like an absolute shell of an adult. 

I’m afraid of my post, my bank account, and of answering the phone. I can barely dress myself properly, or look after myself in terms of anything but the most rudimentary grooming. I can’t remember birthdays, addresses, diary dates or passwords. I can’t remember to put the bloody bins out without the help of my neighbours, who regularly just do it for me. I don’t know where my pension is. I avoid housework. I don’t know what APR means, or how much tax I pay. I can’t do small talk. I’ve got no idea when my car insurance is due. Unfairness undoes me, and my emotional regulation is often sketchy, to say the least. Written instructions, flat pack furniture and deadlines are my kryptonite. My mum and dad still lend me money. I still have spots, and I still have dreams about flying, and falling. 

Basically, on the inside, I’m still 9. 

And I feel like I’m masquerading in the roles of mother, employee and girlfriend, in some sort of Freaky Friday or Big type mix-up, and that somebody somewhere is someday going to finally notice that I’m an imposter merely PRETENDING to adult. 

Badly. 

But then a friend pointed out to me the other day that I’m actually doing it okay, overall. You know, in the grand scheme. That I’m functioning ENOUGH. 

That being afraid and incompetent and failing often AND CARRYING ON ANYWAY is, in fact, a pretty good definition of being an adult. 

(That and enjoying cleaning out the filter of a tumble dryer…)

Here are some of the things I need to remember I HAVE achieved as an adult. Alternative Life Skills…

I’ve created a warm, cosy and welcoming home. I am the hearth for two beautiful children, who feel loved and listened to, and empowered to be themselves. I’ve set boundaries on what I’ll accept from people, and what I won’t. I’ve addressed conflict when I’ve wanted to run away from it. I’ve picked myself up, and carried on. I’ve made fun and good times out of nothing. I’ve said sorry when I’ve been wrong. I’ve said thank you when I’ve been grateful. I’ve built friendships and networks that support me, and I’ve supported them back. I’ve found my voice, and used it. I’ve managed my feelings, and other people’s. I’ve retained, in my dreams, what it feels like to fly, and what it feels like to fall. 

If I am a shell, I am also the sea you can hear when you put it to your ear, and listen. 

I may never be a practical person. I may never be on top of my finances, or my correspondence, or the washing. 

But maybe those aren’t the most important things about being a grown-up, after all. 

I am being the adult I am as hard as I can. 

Now I just have to remember who insures my car and find the paperwork for it…