A large part of me doesn’t want to talk about Caroline Flack, because people talking about Caroline Flack is basically what killed Caroline Flack.

But people would not have talked about Caroline Flack as they did if Caroline Flack wasn’t a woman, and that’s made me really, really want to talk about Caroline Flack.

If Caroline Flack wasn’t a woman her value just wouldn’t have been so wrapped up in her image. She wouldn’t have faced intense scrutiny over every outfit, hair cut, appearance in public, or – you know – appearance in her everyday life. ‘Man wears yoga pants and has greasy hair’ isn’t a Thing. Neither would her penchant for partners several years younger than her be a Thing. It would be… the norm.

If Caroline Flack wasn’t a woman, she wouldn’t have received the same level of online abuse. It’s well recognised now the trolling women recieve is worse than their male counterparts, who are less often threatened (for instance) with rape or violence. Because how dare women be loud, or pretty, or successful, or unsuccessful, or ugly, or quiet? It’s an affront. And it’s an affront to keyboard warriors both male AND female.

If Caroline Flack wasn’t a woman, I have no doubt she would not have found the bottom dropped out of her career in quite the same way, either. Because there isn’t just a gender pay gap – it’s a gender expectation gap, too. Women have to be better – every day and in every way – to get the same opportunities, pay, consideration… and leeway. Slip up, and fall down.

If Caroline Flack wasn’t a woman, there would not have been the gleeful, salacious, salivating fascination with her assault charges. Women are not supposed to be violent – it’s unladylike! And kind of sexy! Let’s add mud! Let’s add jelly! Let’s sell tickets!

There’s been a vile pantomime around it, with overtures of ‘What about men?’ or ‘# NotAllMen’. See? Vindicated! Women do bad stuff too. So stop harping on about all the bad stuff done to them because you’ve just proved yourselves wrong, by the power of binary logic!

The overwhelming response from the intense coverage I’ve seen on Caroline Flack’s suicide has first of all been blame – the press, the CPS, ITV, the comments sections – and then a call for kindness – let’s all be KINDER to each other.

Well I’m not sure the blame doesn’t fall wider and deeper, isn’t more endemic than that. I’m not sure the answer is just to be kind, either. I think the answer might be to be ANGRY.

Look, I suppose that’s where I want to stop talking about Caroline Flack, because I didn’t know her, and nor did you.

Instead I want to talk about binaries, and misogyny.

I think it’s the binaries that trap women in a way they don’t trap men. Women must be all one thing or all the other and they are not allowed to be both, or in between, or neither.

Oh, a binary makes for a great headline – the all or nothing flip.

Evil or innocent.

Guilty or not.

Whore or virgin.

Victim or monster.

Saint or psycho.

Beauty or beast.

Cut and dried…

But things are rarely that simple. People are rarely that simple.

Binary logic is male logic. Linear. Direct. Black or white. And it’s so often used against women – in relationships, in workplaces, in the wider world. There is a great deal of it in our politics and media right now, and it’s so hard to fight.

Facts are refuted with other, seemingly related but actually uncorrelated facts, and the argument is presented as either/or, and the simpler, louder voice ends up overriding truth. Because truth is often hard, and messy, and complicated, and not easily boxed in or sewn up in a summary, clickbait paragraph.

Not everything is either/or.

In my experience most things are AND…

As a for instance, it is in fact perfectly possible for men to be victims of domestic abuse by women, AND for it to still be a feminist issue that affects more female victims, and where women need specialist interventions and support. The one thing being true doesn’t make the other UNTRUE, or the attention it receives unfair.

In the same way, it is also perfectly possible for someone to be both a victim, AND a perpetrator, at the same time. It’s not a zero sum game. It’s not a game at all… and the truth is there isn’t really any such thing as a ‘perfect’ victim.

Victims of domestic violence sometimes fight back. Sometimes they even invite or incite the violence – because they prefer having some sort of control over what and how and when it’s done. Sometimes, relationships that involve abuse are so toxic that it’s hard to know who started and who finished what, where physical and mental abuse or control cross over, or where you are in the tit for tat and defence and offence cycle. Sometimes victims don’t admit what’s happening, because they think they’re guilty too. They think they’re to blame. They think they deserved it. They think, if they hadn’t done that, or this, it wouldn’t have happened.

Sometimes victims of sexual assault DON’T fight back. Sometimes they even make their assailant a cup of tea afterwards, because they are trying to stay safe and feel normal when neither is true. Sometimes they just take the abuse because the consequences of not doing so are worse. Sometimes they slept with their rapist before, or kissed them, or took them home, or – God forbid – wore a short skirt out. And they don’t report what’s happened, because they think they’re guilty too. They think they’re to blame. They think they deserved it. If they hadn’t done that, or this, it wouldn’t have happened.

They think they will be judged and not found victim or virtuous enough. That they won’t fit in the accepted mould, within the allowable parameters. Because it is all about the APPEARANCE of the thing. Just like it’s all about the APPEARANCE of us. Are we believable enough? Are we instagrammable enough? Are we enough as we are? Are we a neat tick in a tidy box?

By expecting women to fit into perfect, often binary categories, we trap them, when they fall in the middle. We stop them coming forward, getting help, getting better. We stop them being more than a pretty face or an outfit or a wobbly tummy. We stop them being complicated. We stop them being themselves. We stop them being REAL.

And when your reality is consistently undermined, maybe it doesn’t matter anymore if you’re here or not. When the real you is so unacceptable, such an ill fit for the world, maybe it’s better for everyone if you’re… not. Maybe that’s where Caroline Flack got to.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

It’s become the mantra of the Caroline Flack coverage – something she wrote herself.

Sure, kind is good.

But women can’t BE anything. We can’t be everything, either. We’re not allowed.

And I think we should be angry about that.

I feel like in the call to be kind (an acceptable box for women) we’re being distracted from being angry (an unacceptable box).

Well do you know what? We can be BOTH. At the same time. Because that’s what women do. That’s what women ARE. That’s what Caroline Flack was.