Sometimes, when the children aren’t around and the dibber is too far away I find myself watching Cbeebies alone.

Partly this is because I actually find myself caring about the plot of Molly and Me (Oops, I know), partly it’s because I have a girl crush on the mum from Waffle (we’d be friends) and partly because I am frozen in abject fear and horror of Moon and Me (Mr Onions is clearly a puppet serial killer, and HE COULD BE UNDER YOUR BED RIGHT NOW, and I defy you not to have to check this before you go to sleep).

Anyhoo, I think it’s a shame it ends at 7. I think parents, scratch that, MUMS, would get a lot out of the odd adult episode.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

1. BEDTIME STORY
First, Chris Evans reads us another bedtime story, but this time it’s extracts from Lady Chatterley’s Lover, there’s a roaring fire, and he’s forced to take his top off. For health reasons. More close ups of his eyes staring deep into the bleary eyes of sleep-deprived and sexually-underwhelmed viewers, like he knows our pain and is fully prepared to lick it away. You know. Personally.

2. ANDY’S DINOSAUR ADVENTURES
Andy can go on a Dinosaur adventure, but there must be actual peril, because frankly those CGI models are WASTED, and I’m gonna need more Jurassic Park and less stroll-in-the-park trying to get the baby to sleep.

I suggest he also takes his top off, or has it torn off by a Brontiraptorsaurasor. Possibly he has to dive into water to escape, a la Mr Darcy. I can’t decide whether I want him to have a skinny-lanky guy washboard and happy line going on, or a delicious dad-bod paunch. Either is good.

3. SWASHBUCKLE
Cook and Line are going in REAL green slime. We grew up with Noel’s House Party, dammit, and we want actual slippery slidiness not the fake bobbins they do on Swashbuckle – and also to not have to clean it up afterwards. Bliss!

They are fighting over something, not sure of the details: doesn’t really matter. I’m going for tops off again – purely for continuity, you understand. Line can keep the bandanna.

4. JUSTIN’S HOUSE
While we’re on the subject, I also want to see what’s under Robert the Robot’s outfit, and to have him clean MY house. No innuendo here. My actual house – it’s really dirty. Still no innuendo.

Right, that’s the sexy bit out of the way, I’m tired, if I can actually be bothered I can get myself off in minutes anyway because of the ever present danger of Small Person Intrusion, and now what I really want is a SOUL orgasm.

The rest of the Cbeebies team are therefore going to remake several episodes of our least favourite shows with an added dose of realism to make us all feel better about ourselves, our parenting, and our life choices!

5. BING
Flop is going to lose his ever-lasting-sheet for a change, for instance when Bing BREAKS HIS BLOODY PHONE and throws it in the BIN. He’s going to scream, possibly cry, send Bing to his room, and randomly threaten to take away everything he owns ever.

Next episode. When he doesn’t get his turn on the swing, Bing is going to throw a proper on-the-floor-screaming-fit, and Flop is going to stand by trying to catch flailing limbs, alternately shouting and pleading, and receiving pitying looks from passers-by.

6. KATIE MORAG
In the same vein, Katie Morag is going to throw a giant tantrum over having to go to too many of her brother’s four year old birthday parties because she’s BORED, IT’S NOT FAIR, YOU LIKE HIM BETTER THAN ME, and I HATE YOU YOU’RE THE WORST MOTHER EVER. She’s going to slam doors, twat her brother, and burst into hysterical tears. Both Grannies will tut, say it wasn’t like this in their day, and make stupid suggestions of how to deal with the situation involving clips round the ear and behavioural therapy respectively.

Meanwhile the baby will be having serious reflux issues and screaming constantly, while Katie Morag’s mum sits in a corner weeping with cabbage leaves on her boobs.

7. TOPSY AND TIM
Next up: Topsy and Tim. Topsy is going to whine incessantly, and Tim is going to need to be told to get his hands out of his pants every two minutes. They are constantly bickering, so all Joy can hear is ‘Muuuuuuuuum’ ‘He hit me’ ‘Topsy called me a poo-poo face’ ‘He started it’ ‘But she kicked me first’.

We watch (with popcorn/pombears) as her indefatigable good nature is gradually eroded over the next 20 minutes, and she actually shouts ‘For Fox Sake’ when they throw the birthday cupcakes on the floor.

Joy goes on to burn the fishfingers for tea, has to make two emergency caveman costumes for a random Stone Age Day she’s only just found out about, and threatens to punch her joker of a husband in the face when he comes in and asks why the house is such a mess. Cut to nighttime, when Tim wakes up with an itchy bum, and Joy pulls out a WORM on a cotton bud. Montage of Joy calling into work ‘sick’ in order to deal with the 3 billion loads of washing, and disinfecting the house. Topsy screams blue murder as Little Moon Bunny comes out of the wash dyed an uneven greyish-pink by accident. Joy unearths her secret gin stash from behind the rabbit food, circa 3pm, and breaks the fourth wall with a silent ‘cheers’ to the screen.

WE FEEL YOUR PAIN, JOY.

And frankly it’s about bloody time.

Now for the FINALE!!!

I want some romance before I go to bed, and the satisfying completion of a story arc we’ve all been avidly, if perplexedly, following for some years…

8. IN THE NIGHT GARDEN
I have a theory that the entire of In The Night Garden is a drug-addled courtship between lady of the night Upsy Daisy and tortured Smurf/chicken lovechild Iggle Piggle. He wants to get Upsy her Night Garden, all right, and he’s even brought his own blanket. We finally see them lay to rest their inner demons (represented by the rest of the cast) and consummate their love on Upsy Daisy’s bed.

Turns out someone else IS allowed in Upsy Daisy’s bed.

Daisy DO.

Heartwarming.

Sniff. No YOU’RE crying.

Please let me know in comments what else you’d add to my Adult Cbeebies schedule, or any other ideas for the episodes you’d most like to see!

Xxxx

(PS. For those who care, the Haahoos represent Daisy’s bloated euphoria on a high, the Pontipines are the little voices of doubt and catastrophe always on the cusp of her hearing, Makka Pakka is Iggle’s OCD, and the Tombliboos his warped morality – a candy-striped manifestation of see on evil, hear no evil, speak [squeak?] no evil).

(PPS. I have a lot of free time on my brain).