I high five them. I look at and admire/sooth injuries and missing teeth. I lift them in and out of swings. I play chase. I pick up the crying ones and return them to their main care-giver. I may stroke a small head or two if it’s hovering at hand-level, usually on my way down to eye-level for a conversation.

If a hug occurs naturally then GREAT.

But for the most part, it just doesn’t.

I think the rule is, they initiate.

And there now seems to be some science – or at least recognised psychology – behind this.

Small children tend to know that a hug MEANS something. And they will seek out that comfort when they need it, or share that joy with trusted people – often in a hierarchy of who is around at the time. (So the nursery key worker unless Mummy is in the room – etc).

By insisting children kiss Granny goodbye, or even by opening our arms to a semi-strange child in invitation, we are teaching children about the ‘social’ hug. Manners over instincts – how to fulfill expectations and play a role assigned to them.

These are not real displays of either affection or acceptance.

And the gap between what is natural and what is forced – by expectation or endorsement or reward – can be dangerous.

This is really the first base of consent. And that’s been in the news a lot lately – #MeToo #TimesUp

By confusing what is instinctual about touch and what is social nicety, we are robbing children of a very important and organic barrier that is really very valuable.

So they know if something actually feels right, or if it just feels like the right thing to do.

Or if, God forbid, it actually feels wrong.

If you can no longer tell the difference in reward between genuine oxytocin or pleasing the adults around you, where does that leave you?

Telling children what to do with their bodies, how they feel about touch, and then praising them for what feels weird just isn’t quite right, is it?

Some children are naturally more affectionate than others. (I know a 3 year old at my music group who dishes out hugs like a Las Vegas card dealer deals cards). But others are slow to bond, and precious of their personal space. In these children swift affection could even become a sign of anxiety.

So how do you tell the difference?

They initiate.

Every time.

And just because they hugged you the last time doesn’t mean they’ll hug you again.

Boom! We’re right back into the consent narrative, aren’t we?

I’d love to hear how it works with your friends’ kids.