EXCITING NEWS!!!! I’m so excited to tell you guys that I’m bringing out a new diet book, all about how to drop up to 20kg in 3 months!

I’m going to call it ‘Trauma Trim’ – and it basically involves having a lump of grief in your throat so big you can’t actually swallow any food!

How has no one thought of this before??? I’m going to be rich, I tell you, RICH!

Move over Lean-in-15 beardy man and Clean-Eating-Alice-the-Camel – this is clearly the next big diet fad!

The Kardashians might even endorse it.

Probably.

As I’ve only just hit on this genius weight loss method, I will admit it’s not quite what I’d hoped for… although I might not include that in the book.

I always thought losing a few pounds would suddenly make me Cosmo-bikini-svelte. Turns out I’ve still got all the same lumpy wobbly bits in exactly the same ratios, it’s just all smaller than it was before. It’s the same body just 30% less.

In fact if anything, the thin bits are hollowed out and the wobbly bits are protruding even further by comparison, giving me rather the appearance of a desiccated frog.

Only with worse posture.

And saggier tits.

People always say the traditional break-up slim-down is nature’s way of making you attractive for your next partner.

People are pretty freaking stupid, sometimes, aren’t they?

On the other hand, if you know any eligible bachelors who are particularly INTO the desiccated frog look, you now know exactly where to send them.

Only don’t, because it’s drier than the Arizona desert down there and I’m thinking of having the whole thing sewn up for being a damn sight more trouble than it’s worth.

Xxx